Now that being said, that I've always gotten to do what I wanted, I have not always done it as well as I could have been capable of due to being fat and lack of the right mindset when it came to training and seeing food as fuel. This piece is the constant struggle and the reason I never understood how someone could grasp on to their "Why" and it was powerful enough to drive change. That was, until a week ago.
I have read enough self help books, been on enough diets, and talked to enough people that I get the concept of having your "why" and I see how that has inspired people to change. They speak about it being stronger than themselves. I have even tried to think long and hard many times, but feeling very blessed and pleased with my life and opportunities, there was never anything powerful enough for me to be so driven and so consumed by that it would catapult me to create change in my life when it came to my weight. All that happy I-can-do-whatever-I-want came crashing down all of a sudden with a Facebook message recently. I was asked if I would consider being the 12th member of this Ragnar team. I have always wanted do a Ragnar. I had to say no. I knew the pace requirements and that a team of 11 other people would rely on me to actually train for this and do it. You see, I run by myself. I have never entered a team running event. If I finished the half marathon in 3:34 or 4:05, it doesn't hurt anyone else. I finished, got my medal, and a whole heck of a lot of people will never have that sense of accomplishment. But to join a team, knowing my pace, knowing that I'll be the largest and slowest runner, that is tough! Having to say no, was much tougher. It hurt and it hurt deep. I couldn't stop thinking, why had I not kept up with my diet and exercise relaunch I started in October? I made up my mind, not this time, but darn it, next time. So I text Rik and asked what the requirements looked like, and whenever he had time, if he could let me know, I'd appreciate it. For the 4 days after being asked initially, I could not stop thinking about it. Could this be my why? That I never ever wanted to have to say no to anything because I had given up on my diet and running? The feeling was overwhelming. Boom! There's my why. Long story short, he didn't have the 12th member yet and after some calculations they could accept my pace and lack of training. He sent me a text letting me know and that was it. I am not an emotional person, but I actually got a tear in my eye as I replied about how excited I was to join.